Am I Awake Now?
by Suboi Airi
Summary: Am I...?


Hihi Minna-sama~! It's just after Haloween, yes I know, and I am slightly late but here is my Haloween fic~!

Warning! Rated T for some gore, dark themes and just general darkness

Pairings: Japancest and GerPan if you want to look at it that way. Or it could just be stong relationships ^^

* * *

The screen started to flicker on and off. It was weird, and had been happening for a few days now. Kiku tried hard not to think of the horror stories that he knew about the television and other such screens. Still it was unnerving that it only happened to screens when he was in the room.

He had tried asking the other nations but he got nothing. Nothing at all was happening around them. It was only with him. And it followed him.

He was not allowed to sit near the projector during world meeting because of it. He could not use his computers to their full function either, always needing to bring notes and physical items, instead of computerised files. It was irritating. And scary.

It spread to other electronic items. Anything with a screen. The microwave. The vending machines. The stopwatches, the clocks.. All of them. They would flicker when he came close.

He was thankful that other things were working. Like the light. He would die if it started to flicker as well. He could no longer play his games, or watch anime. He could not even text anybody without the screen flickering.

He shuddered. Was he haunted? Was something happening to him? A mutation? He clutched himself tight under his blankets, refusing to look at the television in his room that was flickering on and off, even when it was completely and utterly unplugged..

Germany had been quite worried about him. Then again, so were the others. He had been quiet. More so than usual, and he had not been playing his games or going online. They were worried when he could not answer their questions about the latest releases. How could he when he could not go to a computer to check?

He huddled around even more. Even now, lately he had been able to.. Hear things. Screams. Pleading. Whispers. All in his head. All so soft but so loud. Was he going insane? He hoped not. But he couldn't be sure..

The flickering of the screen stopped suddenly. Kiku tensed it was off, but it would be back. He was certain. He glanced hesitantly at it. It was completely off. He didn't trust it. He stared at it for five minutes.. Another five minutes... Another five... He rubbed his tired eyes. How long had he been awake, shook from sleep's embrace due to the voices and the flickering? He didn't know. He refused to look at the digital clock. All he knew was that he was tired. He was so tired. This was not the first time and his lack of sleep was obvious. Italy tried to comment on them. After his response, he never asked again. He didn't mean to get snappy.. But... Nobody had talked to him for two weeks. It's fine. That way he wouldn't have to face the caller id screen. It was good. It was very good.

Or maybe people had tried to call, but couldn't get through? It was unplugged as well. All his screens were off and unplugged. Not that it made a difference. Not a difference at all.

"S.a... S... Re... L.. Ple... Ll.."

The walls whispered. Or was it the speakers? He didn't know. He didn't care. He curled tight and closed his ears. It was all normal. Nothing was happening. Nothing was happening at all. He was fine.. He was fine...

"Ja... Ne.. Lp... P.. O.. Go... DIE!"

The screens all blared to life, shining against the shadows, filling the room with light.

Japan gave out small cry of horror.

"Help us! Now! Please! We don't want to die! There is no time left, HELP!

The sounds of many voices screamed out, nearly deafening him. It was chaos, the screams were all filled with pleas and the speakers screaming for help.

"Who are you!" Japan shouted back. "I don't know you! Why should I care or help!?"

Silence.

W.E  
A.R.E  
Y.O.U

Suddenly the screens were showing them. Japans. So many Japans. Young ones, old ones, male female, all of them. They were pressed to the screen screaming for help, screaming screaming screaming as blood dripped from their mouths and they fell, eyes rolled to the back of their heads.

Others took their place as they died. All of them screaming. All of them dying. Falling, bloody, pained, dead.

Japan could only stare in horror and shock, near numbed to the state of shear indifference.

"Do SOMETHING! HELP us!" they cried.

Kiku closed his eyes and screamed.

He screamed and screamed and screamed his voice melding with theirs and getting lost in the din.

He could feel himself put his hands on his head, grip his hair and pull. He felt himself started to slam his head on the floor. He heard himself scream and his voice break, but he continued screaming. He knew what he was doing, but he could not bring himself to care. Just as the other Japan's were screaming and dying, he didn't care.

He could feel wetness on his mouth, lips and head. He saw that it was red. Blood.

So what?

The door banged open.

He didn't care to look.

Hs hands were forced away from clawing himself, and his head restrained from slamming itself on the door.

Oh. So..?

As his head was restrained, it was forced to look straight at the screen of the television. He was pushing himself through the glass of the screen. It shattered. He crawled out, all bloody and scared. From behind him, more Japans pushed their way out. They shoved and pushed and kicked and killed to get to the screen. They were crushed and trampled on as others tried to crawl through. A female version of him managed to get out. Her eye was dangling from it's socket, oozing blood and other juices he didn't want to know. Another female version of him manages to shove her way through but her leg was disjointed and out of place.

He looked everywhere, trying to see something else, but to no avail. All screens, each and every one of the showed the same things. All him, trying to get out.

They were reaching out for him. He looked around desperately as hands held him down. Who? Whose hands were these? Who was binding him down?

The few japans that escaped slowly crawled up to him, all pleading. The first male one was so close. They all were. They were crowding around him. One of them touched him.

He fainted.

The next thing he saw was white. White, white, white everywhere. He was in a hospital, laying down. When he opened his eyes, he could hear scuffling sounds. Voiced melded together in a dizzy haze asking if he was okay. His vision was blurred and he looked around not able to see anything except colours that were nearer to him then the white. He guessed that he was being crowded around. He couldn't be too sure since he couldn't see and his eyes were still unable to clear themselves. He had a sudden bout of panic. What if he was blind now...?

The noise of voices increased and decreased to a faint whisper. The colours receded from his vision.

He supposed that was them stepping away because he suddenly had a panic attack. He groaned softly as a headache washed on him and a bout if nausea welled up. He wanted to raise his hands to soothe this head but he couldn't. That was when he found out that he was bound to the bed.

He was definitely panicked by then. He struggled against the bonds he now knew were everywhere, trying to break free but they were too strong. He cried out in pain and frustration as the bonds refused to yield and his limbs started to hurt.

The voices started again asking him to be calm, but he could not. One voice broke through.  
"Japan! Calm down!"

Germany. Always the point of reason. He could trust Germany. He started to calm down. He looked around. "Doitsu-san..! What is going on? Why am I tied down? Why can't I see?" he bombarded the other nation with his panicked questions.

"Calm down Japan. You are in a hospital... We found you in your house... And..."

His house...? His home..? He remembered. He struggled against the binds. "Them..! What happened! Two of them got out, and the rest..!" his head started to hurt again. The nauseous feeling returned at remembering the sight of himself, thousands of himself dying right before him.

"Calm!"

Japan quietened.

"we didn't see anybody there Japan.. Just you.. And you were hurting yourself. You broke open the television screen and used the shards to injure yourself. We had to restrain you.. You were clawing your eye as well... Your leg..."

What..? No.. But that was the other Japans! They ones that crawled out..!

He tried to relay his case. They didn't believe him. It was true, he insisted, they told him he was hallucinating and that there was something wrong with him. There was nothing wrong with him! It was real! And they did get out!

He was left alone. They didn't believe him. Was he crazy? He wouldn't be surprised. With the months and months of flickering and this.., it would be off if he was still sane. Still, where were they..? Where were the Japan's that escaped?

The lights flickered. He tensed. They were right around him. They were right there. The light died. They were definitely there. There and looking at him. Staring at him.

"W-what do you want?" Japan stuttered out.

They looked at each other. Wait.. The Lady that he saw before... Her eyes were fine.. Or not.. She had an eye patch now... He could not see her leg. Or was it another lady that had hurt her leg..? The long haired one and not the short haired one..? He wasn't sure and he did not want to recall the memory. The bloody memories of himself being killed by himself. Shoved tramples, crushed to death due to blind panic. The man with cut hands was now wearing gloves. Were his hands still cut..? He could not tell. They were hidden after all. But all of them were covered. All of them hid themselves. But that was due to modesty right..?

They all looked at him. Stare. It creeped his flesh. "Do not look at me like that!" he snapped. They exchanged troubled glances. Silent talking and he was out of the loop.

"You are in danger." The man said

"All of us are." said the long haired lady.

"But at least we are alive still..." said the short haired lady.

All him. All Japan. All him, but only three out of the hundreds that he must have seen. Only three safe..? Alive still…? He closed his eyes.

"Why...?"

The next time he opened his eyes, they were gone. Forever? He hoped so, but he could not believe it. And he was proven right. Screens and reflections showed their faces. Shadows hinted of their presence. Paranoia? Not if it's real...

Ogiku was the long haired lady. A traditional version of him who still believed in spirits and such. Sakura was a young female version of him. Interested in makeup and the like... then there was Kuro... He was... Not like him at all.. Red eyes and hair that had a reddish tint as well.. There was something dark about him that Kiku hoped that he did not have. But there was something alluring about it…

"Does it matter of I am not like you? We are trying to help you before you become..."

Become what... What happened?

Nothing apparently. England told him he was staring at the blank screen of the hospital television for hours on end. But he would he know? Was he there the whole time? No. How would he know? Cameras. Hah. Didn't he say that they manipulated screens. Of course he was not believed at all. He was just given that pitiful gaze. He hated it. Hated it hated it hated it.

"DONT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT!" he screamed out once. Italy, Greece, Korea and France stopped visiting. It was fine. He didn't need them anyway. They don't know his pain. And the pain was getting more intense by the day.

Something was splitting his head open. Mutating him. Growing from him. It scared him. He told Turkey. He visited less and less. China would no longer look at him.

His others said that they had tried to warn him. Something was after them. Twisting them around and killing off those he had rejected. He was starting to believe them more and more. Kuro seemed very distressed about it. All of them were. They were all worried… and shooting worried glances his way. Kuro… What was going on?

Kuro did not answer him, only stroked his cheek with a gloved hand in the dark. "Be strong" He whispered, before fading away, like a wisp of smoke. It was tender. But cold.

America was getting uncharacteristically worried. But he had his own problems to worry about. England didn't believe him. Even though he claims he can see spirits, he doesn't believe. Nobody believes. It doesn't matter. He doesn't need them to believe. He can believe on his own. He can take comfort from his own, he thought as he snuggled up to Kuro's chest. But he was so cold..

But the pain was getting worse. It especially came when he was sleeping. And he was sleeping more and more each day. It was not his fault, it was the doctors! They keep drugging him even though he begged them not to, please please, it gets worse when I sleep, he comes when I sleep, please let me be awake, no, no, don't bring that needle to me, don't, please, no, stop, please, but they won't listen.

Ogiku hissed at them and they drew back. Sakura yelled, and tried to shove them away but to no effect. Kuro glared. His others tried to keep him awake, tried to keep him safe, keep him away from the dreams, away from the nightmare, but they cannot fight the doctors.

It hurts.

In his dreams, he is on an operating table and he is being split apart and there is something growing inside him and it hurts. Something is growing and being pulled out and the process is repeated over and over again, and he is being ripped to shreds. This person doesn't stop at all even when he is pushed past his limits. He is played with, mind and body. Experimented on, and he wants to wake up so badly please please wake up from this nightmare, please.

It's getting harder and harder to wake up.

His others are very worried about him. They try to help and give him tips on how to survive. Look directly at him. There is something to help you on your left. The doctor's assistant still has a heart, and that should she be the one there, contact her, but she must be alone. Kuro's hand was clenching his hard. But it seems weaker and weaker as time passes by…

He tried. He followed and once, it worked. His arm was free and he managed to get a scalpel. He slashed whatever he could. He probably harmed the doctor. Good.

He remembered running down many hallways. So many, many, many hallways and being so lost.. But he just ran in hopes that he would find an exit.

He remembered a door and a light.

He didn't want to remember. He wanted to forget. But they wouldn't allow it.

Test tubes. Whole glass containers. Practically aquariums. Him. All of them, him. He was surrounded by himself, but not himself. They were not just him, but him in all the forms.. Just like the screens showed, but more. So so much more.

He remembered screaming, and all these Japans opening their eyes.

He woke up. Screaming. The few others who had stayed with him rushed to him asking if he was alright. He could only blubber in horror.

One by one they left. He turned to Germany. The other had deep dark eye bags. He was obviously suffering.

Kiku hated to see him like that. It was because he was visiting so much... He needed sleep. He needed food and nourishment.

"Please... Your country is more important then me. You need to take care of yourself, for your people if not for yourself."

Why the tears..? Doitsu-san...? Are you okay? Why are you crying? Why won't you look at me...

He reached out a hand and wiped the tears away. The other jerked back his head. He recoiled his hand.

"I'm sorry.."

He couldnt hear what the other was saying. He was deaf. Or rather, sometimes he was deaf. Other times he could hear perfectly well. Sometimes he could just hear the distant sounds of machines on an operating table. But he could still hear the reassuring voice of Germany. Sometimes though he could hear screams. He wondered why...

He continued to sleep after that. Much to the displeasure of himself and all the other Japans.

When he slept, be was back on the table.. But not strapped down. Beside him was something covered in a white piece of cloth. He didn't uncover it. He stayed where he was until he woke up.

His others would no longer look at him either. They started to appear less and less. Or was it that they were taking away screens and mirrors from him.? He couldn't tell.. He couldn't tell anything anymore. He couldn't tell the time of day, or what he ate. He couldn't tell the nurses and doctors apart. He couldn't tell what was a dream and what was not. He saw both at the same time.

Germany was sitting beside him. No he wasn't, he was in a dark room with nobody around but the uncovered item.

When he spoke his thoughts, his voice echoed throughout the dark room. No, it woke Germany up.

Why was he panicking..? Why was Germany panicking? Why was he being shaken? Why was Germany shouting at him to snap out of his dream state?

"Stay with me Japan! Stay here! Don't go back!"

Stay where...? Go where...? He was right here. He was right here in the dark room, and there was this little string being dangle in front of him...

"Japan don't!" his others..

Don't what...? What was he doing? Nothing... Just being shaken by Germany, who was still panicking.

Suddenly he felt the despair fill him up. He wasn't going to make it. He was a specimen with no purpose in and for himself. He was a true and complete disgrace. A horrible failure. On his shoulders was the whole consequence for being who he was. Only on his shoulders alone.

"Why are you crying? Don't cry please, stay with me. Kiku, you must stay with me..."

Doitsu-san.. Dear darling sweet Doitsu.. He would miss him. He would probably miss him the most. It would be sad to never see him again, but he was going to die.. He had no use for his Japan.

"Doitsu-san..." he murmured, as his tears were wiped away by large, gentle and warm hands. Warm.. So warm.. Warmth in this frigid cold... He leaned to the hand and smiled. It was cold and he was getting colder and that piece of string was dangling right there, swaying like a noose.

"Don't pull the string..." the voices of his others were so far away, but what string were they talking about. There was no string, only Germany. Warm, reliable Germany.

"Please be with me.."

Doitsu-san.. How can I be with you if you're not even here..? Are you hiding in the dark then..?

"It's too late..."  
What is too late, Ogiku..?  
"He wont make it.."  
What do you mean Sakura...?  
"it's over for him.. For us...

WHAT IS GOING ON!

"Kiku...?" a shaking voice asked him. He turned to look at frightened blue eyes. Blue eyes he would probably never see again.. Blue eyes he would miss so, so, so much...

"I'm sorry.. I don't think I can hold on..."

That little piece of string was dangling there... Calling him... Taunting him... He slowly reached for it.

"No, Japan, Kiku, you can make it, just please stay here, stay with me, I'm here, I'll always be here, so don-"

...

...  
Liar

You're not even in the room. And his hand was now in the string gripping it tight.

There was only one reality, and it is this one. The one where he was captured and in his tormented dreams dreamed that he was still in the world of the light. How long was it that he had seen true light? Real sunlight? He didn't know. Not anymore.

All his life was a dream, trying to escape his horrible reality. The flickering... The others...

It was reality calling him to wake up.

"Ja... Se... I... Y... Co... Co.. B..."

Hah.. The world was still calling him back. Back to the fake world. A happier one, but one that was not real. His fist grew tighter.

"pl... Do... Me... I ne... I lo... Do... Le..."

Ah, Germany... Sweet dear Germany.. He could have been happy just knowing that the other was in his life.. The problem? He was not.

"Kiku? No."

"No what Kuro? You aren't real either. Or rather, you are.. But you are dead. All of you are."

Beside him, he knew, were three more operating tables with three dead bodies. All of them mutilated beyond belief. All covered up to hide the scars and the wounds and the gore.

He knew what was going to happen. He knew what happened.

Split apart, so many things taken from him, so many things imbedded into him.. He was a failure for he gave the mad doctor who ran this mad house what he was looking for. He was a success. The only success. And due to that, the biggest failure.

He pulled the string.

The lights turned on, and he was greeted with the sight of thousands and thousands of clones all around him. Thousands of clone Japans. Male female, young old, all types, all places, all him.

The clear water they were floating in started to fizz and they opened their eyes in horror and shock.

It was a wonder that their screams could be heard from beyond the thick glass aquarium. But he heard it. He saw it. Their eyes widened in horror and pain as they started to dissolve in the liquid. As the liquid dissolved their skin and burned in them. They clambered to the glass trying to break it open and save their lives. Some tried to swim up, in hopes they could get out of the water. They tried everything to stay alive, to save themselves from the pain. From being disintegrated alive, feeling every cell from your skin to the muscle and tissue slowly dissolve in the burning, fizzing acidic water. They all failed. Within a few minutes, all of them were gone. Only a few leftover pieces of skin, meat and bone that were dissolving were hints that they were there in the first place.

That he was a success was the death warrant for all the other Japans that were captured and created though him. His clones. Himself. His biggest failure. He was perfect.

He got off the operating table and unveiled the hidden item. A mirror. A mirror of himself...? But not himself.. It was another Japan.. No it was him. It was him that he did not recognise.

It was over. He could never go back. How could anyone know it was him, if he could not even recognise himself...?

The mirror move oddly. Not like his own reflection. He squinted at the screen. No. That was not him. It was... Kuro...? Kuro before he was changed..? Kuro… you looked so strong and warm.. Was this you before you became cold and broken…

The screen flickered to show Ogiku. Then Sakura. All before they were changed. All before they were hurt... All of them fresh with life's promise and happiness.

Was the doctor kind enough to let them lead their own lives now that he found a perfect Japan...? No.. The doctor was right there in the screen... Looking at them interested.

Was this the past..? Was this...? Could he change it then..? Could he change all these deaths...? He tapped the glass. They looked up confused. He could do it...

He tapped the glass even more. Each time he tapped, the light reflected off the mirror and he couldn't see them but it was only for a short blinking flash.

He tried to call out, their heads jerked slightly as if they heard. Good! There was a chance! A big chance! He tapped the glass again and again and again calling out to them, warning them.

In another place, a crying Germany held a sleeping nation that would never again wake up.

In a different dimension, three different Japans started to wonder why the screens around them started to flicker... And what was that voice that was calling them...

* * *

R&R~

Reviews make me happy and I would love to know what you all think ^^


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